Saturday, September 25, 2010

Confidence for the young unaccomplished man

Been busy.  Still busy.  I'm posting when I can. (Update: I made the title of this post shorter)

Commenters Badger Nation and Esau at HUS nail it.  First, Badger Nation:

"Saj, Your comment buys into some classic pretty lies – gamers are predators, only damaged girls dig jerks,  and “JBY.” Unfortunately it is empirically disproved. Sadly, women dig jerks (not all but enough to make it a viable strategy). The ‘dark triad’ works. Most betas who pick up game want to be loved by women, few are avenging narcissists (if they were they’d probably be successful with women in the first place). “Being yourself” (re-titled as “comfortable in your own skin”) doesn’t work unless “yourself” is attractive.
And we get the old “just wait it out until the girls get older and want providers!” The real problem with that is that it tells men to yoke themselves to the changing desires of women instead of being in charge of their own love lives. It’s wacked – a big chunk of men should not have to wait until ten years past puberty to have a shadow of a shot at a decent experience with a woman."

Later in the thread, Esau:

"Saj’s patent nonsense has already been addressed fairly well by Badger Nation, but I think less politeness is called for:
rather then learning to like himself and feel confident in who he is as a person despite past success with women.”
Yeah, and next he’ll run a marathon before breakfast and then solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded just for fun.  Saj, does it occur to you what you suggest is logically impossible for a young man who is (1) honest with himself and not a self-absorbed narcissist; (2) without significant life achievements yet; (3) as yet unsuccessful with women and yet still horny as all-get-out?  For an honest person, confidence proceeds from the evidence of experience; if you don’t have the latter, you can’t get the former without some kind of fakery.  Period."

So, to rephrase Esau's question, why and how should you, an honest self-aware young man of no accomplishment, be confident?

Because one day, and sooner than you expect, your existence and your love and your desire are going to mean everything in the world to a girl.  It's going to be the difference between her joy and her ongoing dreary frustration.  Everything great about you, your character, your kindness, your virtue -- you name it -- it will all mean the world to a girl.

THAT is WHY you should be confident when you approach a girl, even if you haven't finished growing, if you haven't filled out, if your skin is still a mess, if you're still a poor student dependent on your parents, if you don't have everything figured out yet, if you don't know what you want to do yet, if you don't know yet what your talents are, if you don't yet know how you will make a living, if you compare poorly to some asshole.  If you're completely invisible to her.

You will get better, in so many different ways.  Without a doubt.  KNOWING THAT is HOW you can be confident.  She's not going to know it.  It's all in your head.  But that's the only place it needs to be to change your outlook, your frame on the world.  You don't have to explain it to her.  In fact, it's almost always counterproductive to do so.  Just know it and say it to her with your eyes and body language, boldly and without apology, with subtle strength.  She'll be put off balance, which is exactly where she wants to be.  She'll wonder.  Then you act. Approach.

If it works, you're in, my friend.  If not? Disappointing, to be sure.  But do you have any idea how many beautiful, wonderful women you will meet in your life?  Tons.  I'm telling you now, it'll be more than you can imagine.  Just keep your frame strong, focusing on the above.  Then act.  Over and over and over and over.  And again.  And again.  And again and again.  It gets easier every time. And one day, sooner than you think, you'll hit the jackpot, and be the happiest guy alive.  Happened to me.


  1. Awesome post, really makes one hopeful for the future!

  2. Well said.

    "Girls we love for what they are: Young men for what they promise to be."

  3. But do you have any idea how many beautiful, wonderful women you will meet in your life? Tons. I'm telling you now, it'll be more than you can imagine.

    HAN SOLO: I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.

    Tons of beautiful women? I don't know...reading the manosphere, you'd think that actually attractive women are rarer than a four-leaf clover, while men are incessantly punished by having to look at 6s.

  4. Haha, nice HS reference, Haley.

    Point taken, the manosphere can get pretty bitter, probably because there aren't too many happy and content guys posting.

    Are 6s beautiful? I think so, usually. I think the more a man can appreciate female nature, the more beauty he perceives. Now remember, beauty does not equal automatic love. And I'm not one of those guys who says beauty doesn't matter, or that the SMP doesn't exist. We're human. Of course it does. It exists. But for a man with eyes to see, they're all over the place, unlike the four leaf clover.

  5. Namae Nanka, thanks for stopping by and commenting. What's the origin of that saying?

  6. Augustine, I think the take-home lesson for me is that beyond women famous for being hot, such as Jessica Alba or Megan Fox, I will never understand what men consider hot/beautiful.

  7. Haley, to add to your confusion, hot and beautiful are not exactly the same. Closely related, overlapping? Yes. The same? No.

  8. Yeah, that didn't exactly clarify anything, ha.

  9. @Haley: I hope I can clarify the "hot" thing a little.

    Do you recall Susan Walsh's "Hooking Up Smart" thread with the pictures of two young women on OKCupid?

    One was tanned and smiling with a couple of male chodes in the background. The other was very pale, with dyed hair?

    Male opinion was very divided in terms of the physical attributes of these women.

    The debate got rather heated. Both sides accused the other of being homosexual.

    The tanned girl had aspertions cast on her weight, her jawline and her presumed sense of entitlement.

    The pale girl was slammed as a self-harming emo basket case who worked in a music store.

    Its the same with women judging men's looks.

    What you find rather hunky, your friend might find repulsive.

    De gustibus non est disputandum.

    That's Latin for "different strokes for different folks".